Sometimes Nothing Can Be A Real Cool Hand

Christmas is Here.

2011-12-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

So I figured the time had come to write a freshblog....about time you must have all been thinking....I mean you...my onereader , you were thinking it was about time....you weren’t? Oh...well you’re here now, so , I’ll begin...

Since I last wrote the journey toward marriage has continuedwithout thus far any particular hitches however family politics is beginning torear it’s head...mainly for myself...you know how it is...some members of thefamily aren’t talking to one and other and I’m left to be the peacemaker andinvite all family and possibly in doing so create an uncomfortable atmosphereon the big day or I don’t invite them and thus draw my proverbial line in thesand regarding who’s side I am on... So much bollocks involved in familysometimes.

So I’ve just decided to hire some actors to play Kiruna andmyself and have a separate wedding that they take part in that I can invite themembers of my family to who are currently not talking to my parents or mybrother. It’s been so long since they’ve seen me I figure it doesn’t matter ifit’s really me or an actor....and of course...they haven’t even met Kiruna yet.

We’ve begun working on our new show . Our first showtogether...A Little Commitment. We’re working with Graeae Theatre Company interms of developing the show and learning how we will be able to make itaccessible to the disabled community as well as the community as a whole. Notsomething I’ve ever thought about doing before for any of my solo shows buthaving earlier this year discovered how inaccessible the Edinburgh fringe isfor the disabled I feel like this is something all fringe performers shouldthink about. We can make it more accessible ourselves if we just make someeffort.

Kiruna appeared in her first episode of Lifes Too Short lastweek with the next one due later tonight. I’ll be watching it when I get backfrom my gig in Maidenhead. She was great last week and there has been lots of positivefeedback. I’m incredibly proud of her. She’s a bloody legend and I guess that’s why I asked her to marry me.

She’s wrote an excellent blog which you’ll find here : http://kirunastamell.net/2011/12/07/my-lifes-too-short-debut-tomorrow/

After her debut on the show her Blog readers stats shot up ridiculously.Her blog explained her reasons for doing the show and her opinion on it. Itcreated a bit back and forth on her comments as well.

One thing I do like is the programme asks us all really tolook at ourselves and how we treat other of difference. It also I think it makesit quite clear that society itself is the disabling thing, how things are mostlybuilt for the average person and very rarely for someone with a disability. Let’s facefacts...the underground system is still not completely accessible to people inwheelchairs...how is that even possible in the world in which we currentlylive? How disabling is that?

Anyhow...on to other things... I went to an acting workshoptoday for the first time run by the Without A Paddle Theatre Company. It was good fun to push outside my comfort zone and Idefinitely found it helpful. I expected to spend my day touching my toes, mimingtrees and doing vocal exercises but we got that out of the way in the firsthalf hour.... I worked on a duologue in the morning with another actress ( By the way a Dualogue is not the name for a Jewish Firewood delivery company ) and inthe afternoon I had a crack at a monologue. I chose King Henry’s St CrispinsDay speech from Henry V by Billy Shakespeare. I kind of know it pretty well and it was great fun to just let go andmake such an impassioned speech. Oh...we killed some French people too...justto get into character. ; )

I have a few new recommendations for things to watch.

Movies....Driver and 50/50, The Debt.

TV....Dexter series 6, Louis, The Walking Dead Season 2,Game of Thrones Season 1, Boardwalk Empire Season 2, Community, The Slap,

Good Reads...Locke and Key (Graphic Novel)

Christmas gigs have been exactly that...Christmasgigs...rooms where only a third are out for the comedy and two thirds are oftenout just to get pissed with a group of friends or work colleagues. To befair...haven’t had one that was a nightmare yet but we’ve certainly had a fewwhere all the acts have had to work incredibly hard to keep the gig togetherand focused while still having it all be funny.

I'm looking forward to the break over Christmas, to seeing the family - the ones who are currently talking anyway, to spending some time albeit briefly with Kiruna. She's on the road again and doing an excellent Christmas Show at The Birmingham Mac. It's called the Lost Happy Endings.

Here's a link for you to check it out. http://www.macarts.co.uk/event/thelosthappyendings

Anyhow...who knows when I will next blog? Certainly I don't but I will be back. In the meantime my one soul reader I wish you and yours a very Happy Xmas, Christmas, Chanukah, Holidays etc... and a Happy and healthy New Year.

Here's an extra special gift if you've never seen it...

Watch It's A Wonderful Life

http://www.tubeplus.me/player/262494/It%26rsquo%3Bs_a_Wonderful_Life/

Nobody can eat 50 eggs.

2011-10-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

So.....Kiruna's in Stockholm dancing for the next few weeks on some contemporary dance thing. You know...where they make dancers dance strangely off rhythm and then tell you how deep the piece is and if you don't get it you're uncouth, a philistine and just not clever enough....I guess that does make me a stupid, uncouth philistine but you should see me dance. ; )

Anyhow, since I last blogged I've gone and got myself engaged! Well, not exactly gone and got myself engaged....I asked....badly and fortunately she still excepted. We were in Berlin together where I was doing a really nice gig and after I'd come off stage and was sat at the bag with her, I crumbled.

I'd already wanted to ask her on a couple of occasions but was never sure when was the right time and how I was going to ask. All I could hear was a German act on stage sprechen zee German and when I looked at her I was overwhelmed with the feeling to propose. For some reason I though she could see it in my eyes and then I panicked and got nervous and then asked nervously and in a panic. I didn't even get straight to the point and just ask. I went round the houses , the long way round. Luckily when I finally got to the point she said yes! She's awesome and I'm a very lucky man. When you know - you know - you know?

So , Nice gig in Berlin, job well done, minus for style of proposal but plus for Fiancee on board equals a RESULT! ; ) We're getting married September next year after we've got through most of 2012 which includes, Adelaide Festival, DaDa Festival and the Edinburgh Fringe plus finding a new place to live.

It's going to be a big year and I think we're gonna need a bigger boat!

We found an awesome hotel in Berlin and spent a night there and we intend to go back for a weekend on our own just before the wedding so we can actually have some time together because I'm guessing we won't have as much time for just us on our wedding weekend. The hotel which you should check out is www.michelbergerhotel.com

It was an amazing hotel design wise. Very cool and possibly my favorite thing about it was the fact that they had The Big Lebowski playing with the sound off 24/7 on T.V's at the end of every corridor. V. Cool.

I've got my first date supporting Hal Cruttenden on his tour tomorrow and then on Monday night , the 3rd of October it's the fourth Laughter is the Best Medicine at the Comedy Store. It will be a great event as ever raising laughs and money for St Marks Hospital Foundation. Nice line-up this year with 9 acts plus me as MC. Acts this year are, Tom Wrigglesworth, Nik Doody, Jessica Fostekew, Mike Gunn, Andre King, Alistair Barrie, Paul Pirie, Nik Doody and Carey Marx.

Tickets can be bought on the door on the night or via The Comedy Store - London Website

Hope to see you there. Bogging done and dusted....over and out. ; )

I'm getting married in the morning......ding dong...bada da da da daaaa

August Fun and Future Plans

2011-08-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well , it’s been a while since I’ve updated for you my one blog reader ; ). How the fuck are ye? All good I hope. That rash cleared up yet? What do you mean “What rash?” relax, it’s just you and me here. You’re amongst Friend.

So the riots huh. They were fucking mental were they not? I live in Finsbury Park. Nothing happened here. Nothing at all. Although our neighbours in Tottenham and Camden did not fare so well. It’s like everyone who might have caused any bother in Finsbury decided not to shit on their own doorstep and pissed off to make trouble elsewhere.

Apparently an Argos was looted in Streatham and all I remember thinking is , seriously .... have some aspirations! I reckon they smashed the first window with a catalogue and had to wait 20 minutes to pick up their loot at the other window!

Kiruna was staying at mine and we sat up monitoring all forms of media for updates. We were following the news on Twitter, Reuters, BBC Website, Foreign Media and others. The flat felt like a hub of political and global communications. There was a moment I felt like I was in a scene from Mission Impossible but lack the physique of Tom Cruise....I’m a bit taller...a bit. However I do own a few masks although I don’t think we would ever see Ethan Hunt in a fetish club or at a Halloween party! What was great to see was how after a while a new trend on twitter appeared in opposition to #londonriots....#riotcleanup and people began to rally and mobilize to work together on cleaning up London the following day. It was great to see people making an effort to win London back from the madness.

EDINBURGH FESTIVAL:

It’s been a really busy month of gigs with so many acts out of town doing the Edinburgh Fringe. Do I miss not going to the fringe? No...I’ve earnt money and not lost money. However I did 4 years of Edinburgh festival. Two of them with solo shows and working on Phatcave with Mickey D AKA Michael Dwyer....the best late night gig in Edinburgh when it was there. Edinburgh was good to me when I was there. I got some great reviews and nice quotes but it’s a hard slog and lots of networking which is not something I love doing unless I’m just naturally hanging out with people and things come together.

However I really enjoyed previewing my new show Gareth Berliner: An INCH of Integrity at Brighton Fringe this year , will take it to Adelaide next year and if I’m really happy with it by then I’ll also take if to Edinburgh too.

DOCUMENTARY NEWS:

I had to work out my first tour budget as the producer of the tour for the documentary I am producing (A tour featuring very specific kinds of comedians). I’ve done this before for myself as a solo artist but it’s the first time I had to factor in other acts and crew etc...Also because we have no idea with certainty what venues we are performing at yet I had to roughly work out venue hire and travel and based that on visiting 4 major venues round the UK using London, Swansea, Manchester and Glasgow as my models.

This is all proving to be great experience and to have got something working like this so far off my own back with the support of Ed Stobart and Alleycats TV I am chuffed. Just hoping it all comes together. It looks like both the other acts are on board and keen and we would be shooting the tour/ docco in April of next year after I get back from the Adelaide Fringe festival. I’ll also be celebrating my 40^th Birthday! April 1^st 2012 . Jesus...that snuck up on me! I say snuck but it’s been a slow 39 years of waiting for that one. I know, I know... you can’t believe I’ll be 40...you were thinking I couldn’t possibly be older than 38 right?

ADELAIDE FRINGE FESTIVAL:

Kiruna is coming to Adelaide with me and will also be doing her first solo stand-up show Why Dwarves Hate Christmas. Hopefully she will be able to trade off of the Lifes to Short (Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, BBC, HBO) exposure to drum up interest and business and we’ll be sharing a double sided flyer so it should hopefully work well for both of us. I will be taking Gareth Berliner : An Inch of Integrity to the fest. This is the great new show I debuted at Brighton Fringe Festival. It includes the story of me being date raped by a German Lesbian! You really don’t wanna miss it. Book your flight now for a cheaper deal.

Adelaide Fringe is my Favourite festival by far. The year I went was the last year of the festival being Bi Annual and the level of support, friends I made and fun I had was awesome. All the other UK acts out there had been taken out there by producers and promoters and were all headliners and I was the only UK act out there off my own back. It also marked my first ever paid headline gig doing 30 mins. It’s also the first time I ate a Berliner. Don’t freak out at that statement. It’s a kind of doughnut with a cream filled centre. Not dissimilar to me then ; )

Next year will be interesting since more UK acts of all levels now attend the fest and I’ll be just another UK act vying for an audience.

BATMAN LIVE:

Batman Live at the O2 was mental. Kiruna shouted us the tickets and we joined a throng of fanboys, kids and grown-ups dressed as Baman and Robin to watch this live action extravaganza. It was awesome and the set was incredible. They made great use of an LCD screen as background which provided scenery and comic book cut aways. They also had the Batmobile turn up and fire some missiles. I tell you something it looked like Fathers for Justice had decided to put on one hell of a show. If they wanted to hijack any event ... this should be the one. It’s the easiest public event to walk into dressed as a superhero!

"I see dead people."

2011-07-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

Here’s the Bullet Point List if you can’t be bothered to read in more detail.

1. I’ve been hospital for a line infection but still got out to do my gigs. I get out for real this afternoon.

2. I witnessed a crime and gave a statement.

3. My hand was inflated to several times it’s natural size.

4. I had a gig in a Bowling Alley

5. I saw a pigeon who had killed himself.

6. I was stopped and searched after being sniffed by Max.......the drug dog as opposed to a overly eager drug squad officer.

7. I hung out with a Prison Officer and his Prisoner.

8. I became a Paperboy (I had it harder than Pinocchio) for the lads on the ward.

9. I’m having a Canadian Comic I’ve never met couch surf at my place. It is not Vince Fluke.

Right now....I am looking at a corpse opposite me...I say corpse..the man is alive, I can count everyone of his ribs and occasionally I am sure I have seen the feint glow of his heart , just like ET’s, beating in his chest...He looks like he should be liberated from Auschwitz. His names Steve and he’s been here for 7 months....where’s here? I’m in St Marks Hospital.....technically. I’m an inpatient at St Marks for a line infection (I have Short Gut Syndrome so have a line in my chest to receive intravenous nutrition). I have to be here to get antibiotics and saline through a drip when I turn in at night. However I am afforded the luxury that my Dr, Top Bloke that he is (In case he’s reading this), allows me to go about my business with work , leave hospital for gigs and come back afterwards.

The good news is I’ll be out and free again tomorrow.

On Tuesday night before I came into St Marks my girlfriend, K, came down from Manchester to stay for a week and surprised me at The 99 Club in Leicester Square where I was MC’ing. Had a great night hanging after the gig and then she kept me company driving in the next day. She stayed at my place for the week and it made such a difference to have her popping in when I was stuck on the drip , to keep me company, go for coffee and sneak off for a smooch with. I totally appreciate her having been here. Nice one sweet.

So this week has been quite an adventure;

Inflated Ego?...No..Inflated Hand?...Yes

One night after a problem with the drip, my hand was pumped full of 1.5 litres of Saline (the drip had come out of the vein). My watch had managed to act as a tourniquet and therefore everything stayed in the hand. It looked like I was auditioning to replace Ron Pearlman as Hell Boy. I could have played The THING’s right hand.

It took 24 hours to go back to normal size. I should consider myself lucky...the hospital is based at Northwick Park Hospital who once turned a man into the elephant man after he took part in medical experiments. Better a hand than a trunk I figure. Glass half full and all that.

Dodgyness with Reg and Ron

Thursday I got a last minute gig so went back to my flat in Finsbury Park late afternoon to chill for a bit before heading out to the gig. Outside the station on my way in I witnessed a dodgy looking bloke (Let’s call him Reggie) forcing an old man (Let’s call him Ronnie), who had one leg and was in a wheelchair, to beg.

Ronnie was telling Reggie to fuck off and leave him alone. Ronnie wanted to be as far away as possible from Reggie. It all smacked of Dodgeville so I went to the British Transport Police intercom and then saw two lads (Let’s call them Bodie and Doyle AKA The Professionals) who had stopped Reggie and were now getting lairy with him whilst they were sticking up for Ronnie.

I told them to calm down and that the old bill were on their way. On hearing this news Doyle told me he’d have to bolt before the coppers got there....he was out of prison on licence and under curfew.

Still, dodgy or not at least Doyle had some sense of right and wrong and was sticking up for Ronnie, that and possibly seeing the opportunity to have a fight on the grounds of defending Ronnie.

The old bill turned up...me (I wonder if I am Cowley in this Bodie and Doyle scenario) and Bodie answered a few questions and gave our details. The suspect decided to suddenly say he Speak not good English. Here I feel he shot himself in the foot somewhat since both me and the other lad had more than heard this guys use of the English Language...particularly expletives.

He refused to give his name, wouldn’t admit his block of Hash was hash and apparently as i was later to find out ended up being arrested.

Bowling out of town and into another Town

Friday I got to properly escape the hospital and London. I took K with me for a gig at AMF Bowling Alley in Eastleigh , Southampton. I was MC’ing. I’d heard a few rumours about the gig including that all there was separating the acts and the bar area from the bowling and arcades was a black curtain.

That may have been the case previously but they had put blocks up like walls covering the open bar pillar to pillar as well as the curtain and during the whole gig I was never aware we were in a Bowling Alley Bar.

The staff and particularly Reece who booked me totally looked after me and K having told us we could get down early and make use of the facilities as their guests. We missed the movies but had some food and drink, played in the arcades and romantic old school style even got some passport booth photo’s done. Ahhhhhh. Pictures even made it into my wallet. Shit...I’m turning into a loved up sap. I’ll understand if you feel the need to vomit at the sheer romance of it all.

The gig was good but required work on my part as MC keeping house , at one point I had to get two thirds of the audience to tell the other third to , "SHUT THE FUCK UP!". When in doubt, bring the crowd together who do want to listen. The acts , Jim Smallman, Sanderson Jones and Joseph Wilson all did well and feedback was good on the night. Look forward to playing it again next year.

I had one cocky guy , heavily tattooed, who was sat in the front and all night ignored me when I was on stage and at one point threw a small bit of paper or something in my direction me when I was on stage. I didn't see what it was but then I delivered a few times at him and he ignored me. He was with his ex and Peacocking I guess. For the last section of the show I was able to make him turn around and said, "Don't worry mate, you don't have to feel threatened...I'm sure you have got a bigger cock than me." ... it actually did seem to put him in his place and he came and apologized after.

No One Likes a Smart Arse

We got back from Southampton late doors and after dropping K off in Finsbury I got back onto the ward at 3 a.m. I was greeted by a pissed off nurse. I did let the early staff know when I would be out till but messages and communication not being a great thing within the NHS , no one had told the night staff. After some semi heated banter back and forth and a reminder to sign myself off the ward in the book, I had smoothed things over.

Coo...He's Depressed

On Saturday as I was leaving the hospital to go to a gig I saw a dead pigeon. I knew he was dead cos he had hung himself. A beautiful feathered creature of vermin had decided hanging around the hospital was depressing and ironically was still hanging when I saw him...although he was now deceased. I presume he got caught in the plastic of the rafter designed to keep him out but who knows...maybe he had lost his Coo or been dismissed by some pigeon fanciers who didn’t fancy him so much anymore...well...he did look like he was getting on.

"I'm gonna have a cheeky sniff said Max"

The gig went well and heading back to the flat to meet K, before checking back in to Hotel De NHS, I saw the same bunch of coppers I’d seen on the night with Reggie and Ronnie. Only this time there was no Bodie and Doyle as well...there was just Max the sniffing Drug Dog . He went straight for my crotch, presumably smelling the herbs I had consumed on the hospital grounds after another patient had shared a smoke with me. I should just add I didn’t exhale smoke into my crotch but that’s the height Max’s nose just happens to be at. I was asked to step aside and be searched and of course it turned out we all recognised each other from the night of Reggie and Ronnies shenanigans. That’s when in a fairly relaxed stop and search I found out that Reggie had been arrested on the previous occasion. They found nothing because there was nothing to find, we had a few bits of banter and a couple of jokes and they let me go.

I got back to St M’s and royally knackered I spent most of Sunday sleeping after saying Au Revoir Mon Amee to K. I didn't really say that but I am trying to see if all this romance can induce vomit or at the very least encourage you...to be romantic....not too vomit...although different strokes for different folks and all.

Today I left St M’s to pick up 10 T Shirts I ordered from http://www.6dollarshirts.com and also to meet a Canadian comic who was getting into London from Paris via Eurostar. Took him back to see my gaff where he is couch surfing and luckily for him , since I have tonight left in here (St M’s) he actually got a bed for the first time in weeks. Bit of a result for him on this occasion that I’m under the weather!

Whilst here I also met a prison officer called Pete (He also moonlights as a bouncer) and the prisoner in his care , Terry (He’s probably been bounced before) . Terry’s on poor form and out on special licence so he can have urgent medical care before his parole hearing. He seems a good enough bloke though.

So this little period in St M’s has been full of crime, health and drama. I’m secretly hoping someone will helicopter onto the building during the night to break Terry out. I’ve often compared hospital to prison. If you’re here for a pile operation it’s just like you’re a basic petty thief but if like me you’re here for a line infection I like to think your more of a serial offender. Bank Robberies and the like.

Saul: Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock. Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man.

2011-07-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

OK , now this blog pulls no punches today....it shoots from the hip , which is a weird place to have a gun, it takes no prisoners cos it’s a Blog , simply a blog and not a copper , a soldier or a pirate.

Cool.

Arthur Fonzerelli AKA The Fonz. AKA Fonzie..that man was a hero of mine. I looked up to him when I was a kid. He was the epitome of cool, the very definition of the word. I had a Fonz action figure...If you pulled the lever on his back he’d do the thumbs up thing. I thought it was cool . I was unaware of the irony in owning such a figure.

I could hardly use this action figure in any childhood games of imagination because he just ruined them. Playing bank robbers with my action figures and whether he was playing the part of a Cop , A Robber or A Victim he always thought the situation was cool. My imagination with the Fonz figure could go no further than positively expressing something was cool in a thumbs up fashion.

E.G

Action Figure playing Cop :

“Hey Fonzie, we have you SURROUNDED...My men have their guns trained on you, they can shoot you dead in a heartbeat, before you can do anything.... end of the line pal, come out with you hands high or we open fire in 5 seconds, 4, 3, 2, 1.....”

{Fonzie appears at the window of the cardboard box and sticks his thumbs up}

FONZI : “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!...........”

Still on the subject of cool. My nieces (who are 7 and 11) call me Uncle G, I mentioned to them that it sounded like Un-Cool G. Made them laugh. Told them for a joke they should call me Cool Uncle G to rectify that problem. They were very amused...this entirely backfired as they were amused by the Un-Cool part of the concept .........now they call me Un-Cool G.

Where’s the Fonz when you need him?....Oh Yeah...he’s in his office......the toilet of Arnolds Cafe.... The Fonz’s nieces and nephews must’ve thought he was UN-Cool....or at the very least.....pretty fucking weird....if not slightly dodgy. The pockets of his leather jacket were probably full of Werthers Originals.

Let's kick it. I'll say "Kick it," and you'll just kick it with a tasty groove, ok? One, two, three, kick it. Kick it. Come on, god DAMMIT.

2011-06-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hey there , hows it going? This things all about me all the time....How bout you? Hows things with you? Why you reading this when you could go out and do something less boring instead. It’s raining up a storm and I’m quoting from Why Don’t You, a programme that on rainy day’s like these when I was 12, I would watch and be inspired by....and then get creative.

So I guess this updates me trying to be more creative on a regular bases other than writing jokes. I’ve decorated my laptop with stickers...sad? I don’t know but it looks like it’s mine now as opposed to just another laptop. Maybe that’s why I have a few tattoos...am I just a laptop trying to dress as something more? He He

So my girlfriend is a Grape, yeah.....yeah...seriously...she is...she’s Hot...I mean we are talking mighty vine....So we went on a date the other night and she bought a mate along to chaperone...for fucks sake...she was a Gooseberry....They started talking about raisin kids, my girlfriend, The grape shot me a filthy look and started to whine that I wouldn’t give her my seed....In my defence, in a pip I countered with the fact that Currently I’m not interested in raisin kids and as it is...I’m seedless.

We split up..she became a piss head, she was always the drinker of the bunch and is currently drying out in the sunshine of the Costa Del Sol...she reckons when she gets back she’ll be stalking me but I’ve told her to leave it out!

Sorry, my sincere apologies but I love a pun...on that level I’m childish.....I’m still wrestling with my inner child in all honesty and I believe that’s legal in some parts of Thailand! What the fuck does grown up mean? I’m still my Ma and Pa’s little kid even though I’m getting older and now I’m the one asking, Have you eaten? Are you going out without a coat? Mum why did you hit dad? Etc...

I’m technically a grown up and I let that version of myself out when someone needs advice or I have to deal with something professionally but the rest of the time I am still dreaming of having a fatal accident, being rescued from death and rebuilt with bionic parts and new powers before being asked to join a secret government team fighting Terrorism.

I love having a foot in both those worlds...the key is not to be committed solely to one or the other.

Now , that dream of the fatal accident , is that so far removed from possibility?

I mean, I hook up to nutritional fluid every couple of days because the NHS told me they removed most of my small bowel and I need to hook up to this fluid to stop me dehydrating. I only know what they told me. I am not a Scientist or Doctor so I have to trust them but how do I know it’s nutritional fluid in those bags?...maybe it’s a super spy serum or something...I do sometimes have blackouts and that would explain waking up in that hotel this morning with two dead hookers and a smoking gun in my hand....thought that was weird.

The Documentary is still on the go. I mentioned a curve ball recently and that has meant that the Documentary will not be made until next year now. I will still be an associate producer on it but may not necessarily feature. It is a collaborative project that should benefit all the comedians involved.

I went to see Green Lantern with Benjammin Crellin.....appalling........Green Lantern not Mr Crellin. Man that movie sucked 2.5 hours off my life with no real reward. I always liked Green Lantern and it was good to see one or two things from the comic books made real, if by real one means largely computer generated. I honestly got bored and I am a fan boy who loves his comic books but this was poor form. Hints at a sequel in an extra bit after the credits. Too be honest that at least looks like it could be an Empire Strikes Back to Starwars. I reckon it has chances of being better than the first one. Mainly cos they couldn’t make that more boring if they tried.

I’m being harsh people cos I feel harsh about it. Unfortunately with Marvels highly polished works so far, Iron Man 1 and 2, Thor, Spiderman, Xmen Movies, The Incredible Hulk etc...DC need to seriously pull their finger out of Batmans arse and make an effort on the next Green Lantern.

My website is developing leaps and bounds and any input , requests or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Also check out the new Funny People Page...I’ll be adding more to this and updating as I go along. Click on a name and you’ll get a link to their website or some videos. Suggestions welcome.

If you’re interested in the mystery woman I mentioned in the previous blog then here’s a link to her blog / website. She’s a funny lady and sound as a pound. I shan’t be going into any great details about us on here but she’s worth blog and twitter following etc...she’s soon to be in a new Ricky Gervais / Stephen merchant project so there will be lots of news to hear.

Right , I’d like to say I am off to write some stuff and be creative that way but I am in fact off to a gig. Will be trying some new stuff and aiming to have fun. If not then I will go looking for Otto , my Russian contact for the current mission. Jason Bourne....I shit him.

Peace out mummy funsters.

Besides getting shot , do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school. And I’m not making that up.

2011-06-21T03:02:00.000-07:00

So my website is now working correctly , is updated and online. Things have been going well this week. Several Episodes of Eastbound and Down Season 2 watched last night by me n my mate Michael Dwyer AKA Mickey D in the hizouse. Can’t help but love the magic of Kenny Powers. If you have never seen this top show you’re in for a treat. Classic, especially Will Ferells appearances in Season 1.

Season 1 : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmvkLzt-pJw

Season 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJTTRJbJ2Q&feature=related

Had another meeting about the Documentary with Ed from the production company (Alleycats TV). The original idea has been shelved for various reasons and now we are being recommisioned by the same person for next years season of First Cuts on More 4 (If it goes well it moves to a prime time slot on Chanel 4)

At the moment it looks hopeful that I am still on board as an Associate producer as well as hopefully being one of the subjects / participants in the Docco.

It’s amazing that this all came from my original comedy related idea on a different subject and has slowly morphed into a different comedy related docco all together. It’s great working with Ed who has got to be the most up front straight forward TV peeps I’ve ever met. He’s just a “Good Bloke” as my Aussie mates would say.

Last week I did a bit of hob nobbing with the movers and shakers (Do they actually call themselves that) at Soho House in Shoreditch. The roof gardens were amazing, a hot sunny day, a swimming pool, food, drinks, great views across London and poolside beds. I’d recommend. My mate , and a good comic, Jason Kavan AKA Gareth Jones (Do all my friends have two names?) is a member of all the houses after wrangling a place on the waiting list as a thankyou for a no fee gig he did for them. Nice haggle JK / GJ.

Also visited Kiruna AKA Stam ; ) on the set of Life’s to Short. She’s got a great part in this new Gervais / Merchant mocumentary / sitcom. She had her own trailer and I joined her therein for lunch. How often do we really use the word therein? Nice to bring it to the blog party once in a while. She’s got a great part and having read the script I can definitely say it’s gonna be funny. She’s in Episodes 5,6 and 7. Look out for her.

Finally gigged for the first time with Barbara Nice last Friday night. Custard Comedy in Comberton (Cambridge) She was headlining, I was the MC with Tom Bell opening and Luke Benson in the middle. Twas a great audience, lovely gig for all the acts and ended with Mrs Barbara Nice crowd surfing the entire audience. Legendary. I’m looking forward to working with her again already.

No gigs this weekend coming : ( owing to my attendance of a blessing in Birmingham for Mickey and Beth’s wedding in Australia earlier this year. Should be a good shindig n looking forward to it. : )

Also recently saw X-Men First Class. One of the best of the Xmen Movies without doubt. Go see it for the origins of Magneto and Xaviers friendship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frcCCHb9LHc

There’s a staggering about of superhero movies out at the mo or in development. Recently I saw Thor directed by Kenneth Brannagh. I had low expectations but was pleasantly surprised , it was pretty good all things considered.

Thor : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFzg5jTDAw&feature=relmfu

Captain America is on his way played by Chris Evans (Fantastic Four, Scott Pilgrim). Looks great and leads towards the first Avengers movie.

Captain America : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J3HfllvXWE&feature=related

Green Lantern , a DC (Not Marvel for a change) effort has just been released. Will be interesting to see how well it does since so many of the important characters are computer generated and Green Lantern is not as well known a superhero as some others.

Green Lantern : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ul4A6cPojGo&feature=relmfu

I've decided I'm definitely taking Gareth Berliner : An INCH of Integrity to the Adelaide Fringe Festival. It's a good show and should do well there. I love Adelade Fringe and can't wait to play it again. It's been my best experience of a Fringe Festival so far.

Anyhow, enough blogging. I’m gonna get my teeth stuck in to the annoying job of gap filling in the diary, pull my finger out and get making some phone calls....

Peace n all, y’all.

G ; )

Jimmy was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.

2011-06-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

So, here I am back at the laptop to finally update my Blog and bring it kicking and screaming into 2011. I need to cut the cord and get it circumcised but I have no idea what that means in this analogy. Perhaps it means I should write it and then cut off a paragraph. Aesthetically I believe this looks better and hopefully it’ll be healthier too in the long run. I certainly want to cut out any cheesiness in this blog so that should mean we're on to a winner.

It’s been amazing time in my life since I last blogged. Got a few more clubs under my belt that I wanted for doing weekends, particular favourites being The Stand, The Covent Garden Comedy Club and The Comedy Cafe.

Also I got a documentary commissioned ( off my own back with the help of a good production company ) by Channel Four for More 4. If it does well it goes to the main channel. It’s comedy related. Consequently I’m learning a fair bit about the machinations of T.V and Associate Producing and how easy it is to be thrown a curve ball no matter how well the pitch and commission has been going.

This project recently got thrown such a curve ball but all is not yet lost. The Fat Lady ain’t singing , so watch this space. I still am aiming to hit it out of the ball park.

The first time I was ever on T.V was a background appearance in an episode of Swap Shop when I was at The Glade Primary School. Cheggars swung by to help me swap my game of life for a robo wrestling ring and I was a blink and you’ll miss it swap moment. Noel Edmonds landed by Helicopter on the playing field and was given a suprise school reunion as he had previously gone to The Glade as a child. Climbing out of the helicopter and walking to the playground he inadvertently stepped on Julie Ryans foot. She never forgot it or forgave him and in the years to come she developed a profound hatred of all things Blobby.

I’ve road tested my new show, Gareth Berliner : An INCH of Integrity, in Brighton at the Brighton Fringe Festival. I really enjoyed the luxury of having an hour to play with again and 6 out of the 8 shows rocked. 2 were dodgy. One was my fault in all honesty and the other was the fine work of a German Woman heckling while she was wired on Alcohol and Cocaine and not prepared to concede or leave no matter how many times I slammed her with a decent put-down. This was the shows first airing and I got some nice new bits out of it for my set. The shows solid and works but now I need to make it perfect. I’m going to keep fine tuning. I’ll take it to the Adelaide Fringe Festival in 2012 for it's International Debut

Adelaide’s one of my favourite places in Australia. Mainly because of mates living there and it was also My favourite Fringe Festival I’ve ever done. The Camaraderie and support is better than you ever get at the Edinburgh festival. When you’re performing there you’re not just a comic, your an International Act and that’s a massive help in getting people interested in seeing your show. It’s “Other” to another Australian comic.

I’ve been in and out of a few relationships since the last blog which have made it into the new show but recently I’ve got involved with someone who’s been quite an inspiration. She’s awesome, makes me laugh and gets me. You can’t say fairer than that. Very early days so time will tell but the main thing is we click and we laugh together. No Complaints. She’s one of the most grounded people I know, literally. That’s a quality joke but you would have to know the lady in question to appreciate it. ..apologies for now...we’ll keep her mysterious .

You know what's left after the big storm comes and takes out all the big trees? The little trees. the little guys that held on throughout the storm.

2008-08-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hello blog readers,

Here's a new instalment then. I didn't go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year and I have to say I'm glad. Last year I missed it after 3 years in a row, 2 doing solo shows. I missed my mate's Mickey n the crew doing Phatcave as well as staying in the Phatflat (My first year of not working on Phatcave with Mick n co) and I missed my girlfriend at the time, who was up there doing a great show too.

I went up that year just for a cheeky weekend with her and for me the best bit was when we were alone down the Grassmarket (an area...not a great place to score weed) and didn't bump into any fucking comedians and felt briefly like we were on holiday together in Edinburgh and there was no festival happening.

The festival is crazy for anyone. From a comics point of view it is I would say everything good and everything bad in one go. Inspiring and depressing sometimes at the same time. It's like university for comedians. All the talent in one place at one time. All the inspiration in some quarters...all the bitterness in others. This year other than thinking about my mates up there I haven't given it a second thought.

I've kept myself busy and inspired and been gigging away having adventures of my own. I had a mini break with my ma (dad had to work) in Brighton (Hove actually, as people from Hove tend to say) staying at my Bro's place whilst he took the family on holiday. Ma and me had a nice few days of rain in Brighton but we went out and ate out very well. I had to have a Yo Sushi fix while I was there. God...I love that place...or should I say I love that Plaice (there's a bad fish based pun for you and they don't even do plaice as sushi). Me and ma or Mackna, that's our nickname for her, short for Makna Mara – don't ask.I don't know...my brother David did all the nicknaming. Dad's called Warren but we call him Mode, short for Mode-Del , shortened originally from Mode-Del-Van-Der Hode-Del. Anyway me and Makna went to see batman at the flicks. Great film but I felt about 12 years old realising I'm eating sweets and watching Batman with my mum.

David (My brother) or Del as I call him, has given me many nicknames over the years. These days he calls me Del, his wife Little Del and his daughters Little Dels. Maia the oldest of my nieces is nicknamed Beresford for short or Beresford Beesford by him and Anouk the youngest is nicknamed Noukster or Nouky Noukster.

Now, my nicknames evolved over the years but here's just a few;

Arnold,

U.O.A (Uck off Arnold),

Colonel, Colonel Gadaffi,

Reenie,

Reenie Spondoleenie,

Rodney,

Del,

Des,

Designation Fella,

Derrick,

Derrick Hatton,

Hatton Garden Subburb,

Colonel,

Colonel Gadaffi

but currently and for the last several years he's called me Del and most others call me G. Including my folks.

From Brighton I got a coach to a mental gig in Newquay. I've also discovered how to guarantee occupation of the 3 back seats...buy Sushi then race on and grab those seats. No one wants to sit next to a guy who's eating raw fish. It's that simple. Beats using a towel like our German friends or beating our German friends with a towel.

Anyway the gig in Newquay was with Ryan Gough MC'ing, Me Opening, Okse doing a favour at the last minute and coming to the gig with Ryan to cover the middle spot and Ian Cognito headlining. The gig was free for the punters to get in at a very nice bar/restaurant, after problems with sound and lighting we got underway at about 10.30 on a Friday night with a pissed audience who hadn't paid to come in. Some woman in the front couldn't stop heckling despite all of us putting her down well at different points. It was a difficult gig but we made it work and Cogs (Ian Cognito) was great to wathc as he always is. He's a genius comic in my opinion and you can learn loads watching him. At one point he was the most banned comic from clubs in the UK. Probably still is but he's brilliant, just unpredictable sometimes. If you want to know more about Cogs...check his website out.
There's also a book about his life he's written that's on there and free to download. It's a good read. Check it out.

There was a lock in after the gig for the acts and some staff and much drinking was done, free shots of black Sambuca and other nasty stuff and we crawled back to the hotel.

The next day I caught up with a mate in Faversham, missed my coach from Newquay but got a cab provided by National Express to Exeter after the next coach failed to show. In Exeter I ran into my mate Dan Cardwell (another comic) and was not remotely surprised to see him even though the odds on us bumping into each other were not great. I got back to London late in the evening. Got home and crashed.

Next morning it began again and I headed with Steve Jameson AKA Sol Bernstein to Leeds for a Jewish gig at a David Lloyd centre.The gig went well and then my mate Pete AKA Waxfactor picked me up and took me back to Barnsley for a few days to stay with him and his family. I met Pete when I was doing my degree and we've been mates ever since. He's a gentleman, scholar and funny fucker to boot and he's the only person I had the honour of being Best-Man for other than my brother. Leonie and Pete have 4.5 kids (one on the way) and 6 cats. I reckon they are aiming to eventually have more kids than cats. They may even be trying for a football team. I'm not sure but it was another great mini break with a couple of gigs while I was up there.

It's been a very good month, some gigs I haven't done before like Hampstead Comedy Club where I Mc'd and some mental gigs like this Saturday night in Crawley. I found the gig at the end of a single track road that had been tucked away , almost hidden , many moons ago. It was a biker gig, although not Back Patchers like Hells Angels and others they were still big scary fella's and women in leathers with a fair amount of facial hair..even the women. When you turn up at a gig, a bikers gig and the first thing you notice amongst the bikers outside is a set of old fashioned stocks, you kind of worry about whether your gonna be able to leave the gig or at least make it out with all organs and limbs attached. As I got out of the car Neil , who had booked the gig, shouted out for me. He recognised me having seen me at a gig in Kettering and another in Birmingham and I felt great seeing a familiar friendly face. I walked into the pub and was presented with a knife to carve myself some freshly cooked pork, given a drink on the house and then introduced to an old Crawley game called Aunt Sally. It's a bit like Horseshoe throwing and a coconut shy mixed together with no signs of Wurzel Gummidge anywhere. I did used to have a thing for aunt sally when I was a kid. Una Stubbs was pretty to a 10 year old.

So although it all seemed OK the bikers didnae jump to come in from outside to watch the gig and when they did most of them went to watch the gig from the bar area....at least 10 foot from the stage if not more. That kind of gap doesn't help make a gig work and there were only a handful of people who sat at the fron to watch. So ...it was hard work but I fronted up and got laughs. However at one point one of the bikers towards the back gave me a Nazi Salute.

Now this got my blood boiling and he was a big fucker. Possible a Goliath to my David if you will. Just to use a Jewish old testament comparison to hammer home the point that I'm a Jew who doesn't welcome a Sieg Heil. I got angry but maintained cool although I delivered my whole Prince Harry Nazi gag to him and I swear to god I grabbed my balls like I was saying fuck you to him. I realised I might not get out of Crawley at that point.

However in the break when the job was done I met him outside and of course he wasn't a Nazi and was actually a nice bloke. Still scary when he picked up and axe while we were talking. I realise that some people think they're being funny if they do a Sieg Heil but I don't know many Jewish folk who wouldn't be extremely upset or offended by this. I think that people who do this who don't mean it think of Freddie Starr or John Cleese etc..who have used the salute to comedic purposes and think that it's OK and a laugh. I don't...clearly.

So that was Crawley...

Now...I have to turn in after another late one but suffice it to say I'm on good form...enjoying life and hoping all my mates who went to the fest got some benefit from it. Although I knocked it..it is a great thing to do...you just have to have a break from it occasionally. It's been nice to have an August where people weren't looking over my shoulder to see who might be more important to network with than me.

A.O.B

Other news is I'll be getting more involved with working on Abnormally Funny People Stuff helping out Steve best and Simon Minty and will be starting a facebook group for AFP so please join the group when it kicks off.

Lovely gig tonight in Leceister Square at Storm for the 99 club. I can go to bed happy for a job well done.

By the way, the Bikers were part of The Freaks of Nature Biker club and they do a fair bit for Charidy even if some of them freaked me out. Check their website...if you Love motorbikes. I was replacing Phil Dinsdale at the last minute. thats why he's listed for the gig.

Have a good one wherever you be.

G ; )

This is Shagmahr prison, not Stalag 17.

2008-07-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

The Smuggling Story:

I live in Holloway in North London, it’s certainly not a wealthy area of London but it makes up for that in a that the compensation, I would say, is that there is more of a sense of community.

I’ve lived in one wealthy area of London and no one knew anyone. Everyone kept themselves to themselves ensconced in there self made ivory towers. An Englishman’s home is his castle and all that.

Anyway, Holloway has a community rich in cultural diversity and ethnicity. Around my area there are also communities within the community with their own private drinking/coffee/gambling/meetings places like the Red Sea Club which closed down recently.

Nearby is a shop and internet café where the owner is from Somaliland, apparently a beautiful country. We get on well and when I get back late night from a gig I’ll pop in and say hi. They have a community room at the back of the shop where other Somali friends meet up, smoke, talk drink etc…The main thing they do though is Chew!

Chew, you read it right. They chew a plant called Khat which is legal in the UK but illegal in the USA and several parts of Europe.

WHAT IS KHAT?

Khat(pronounced "cot") is a natural stimulant from the Catha Edulis plant, found in the flowering evergreen tree or large shrub which grows in East Africa and Southern Arabia. It reaches heights from 10 feet to 20 feet and its scrawny leaves resemble withered basil.

Fresh Khat leaves are crimson-brown and glossy but become yellow- green and leathery as they age. They also emit a strong smell. The most favored part of the leaves are the young shoots near the top of the plant. However, leaves and stems at the middle and lower sections are also used.

Khat leaves contain psychoactive ingrediants known as cathinone, which is structurally and chemically similar to d-amphetamine, and cathine, a milder form of cathinone. Other names by which Khat is known include: Qat, Kat, Chat, Kus-es-Salahin, Mirra, Tohai, Tschat, Catha, Quat, Abyssinian Tea, African Tea, and African Salad.

EFFECTS OF KHAT AND MODE OF INGESTION

Fresh Khat leaves, which are typically chewed like tobacco, produce a mild cocaine- or amphetamine-like euphoria that is much less potent than either substance with no reports of a rush sensation or paranoia indicated.

By filling the mouth to capacity with fresh leaves the user then chews intermittenly to release the active components. Chewing Khat leaves produces a strong aroma and generates intense thirst. Casual users claim Khat lifts spirits, sharpens thinking, and, when its effects wear off, generates mild lapses of depression similar to those observed among cocaine users.

Since there appears to be an absence of physical tolerance, due in part to limitations in how much can be ingested by chewing, there are no reports of physical symptons accompanying withdrawal. Advocates of Khat use claim that it eases symptoms of diabetes, asthma, and stomach/intestinal tract disorders, Opponents claim that Khat damages health, suppresses appetite, and prevents sleep.

http://www.africa.upenn.edu/Hornet/qat.html

So it’s quite a funny atmosphere coming back late at night and these guys are outside chatting at a 100 miles an hour, smioking and chewing the khat and chewing the fat so to speak.

Anyway I was talking to Lucien, (Names have been changed, I don’t expect theres many Luciens in Somaliland which is where he is from) and we were talking about travelling we’d both done. He filled me in on Somaliland which is its own country separate to Somalia.

A couple of days later I’m having a chat to some locals and Lucien shouts over to me, “My friend….my friend who likes travel, you like travelling right?...Ever been to USA?”

Don’t ask me how I knew but I sniffed something was on the horizon straight away, he started to go into his preamble and I told him, “Lucien, mate….I know what your gonna ask…”

He started laughing…I knew he wanted me to smuggle Khat to the US. It’s illegal there and is considered a class 1 narcotic on a par with Heroin and Cocaine. The minimum you would get would be a 2000 doller fine but you would be lucky to get that. Jail time is 5 years to life.

“You have a 95 percent chance of being OK.” He said,

“Yeah , but I have a 5 percent chance of being locked up and made someones ‘bitch’.”

“If you go four times you will be a very rich man.”

“Hang on I haven’t said I was going once and now you’ve got me going four times, calm down fella.”

“It’s very easy…..”

“So why don’t you go, save yourself the money you wanted to pay me and buy yourself something nice.”

He laughed again and explained how he was likely to get stopped going through customs but how I was highly likely to make it through no problems being just a young looking (I liked that, a compliment – still he was trying to get me to smuggle drugs, I reckon that’s negated the compliment. Damn) white guy.

I should just point out that since Christmas 6 young looking, unemployed white guys have been caught so far trying to smuggle Khat into the USA. I’ve done my research.

"You will be there 3 days, you will be met, you give them khat, they give you your money, everybody happy."

He carried on trying to convince as I explained how I’m not good at breaking rocks, how chains don’t look good on me and how I really don’t plan on ever putting myself in a situation where I could be raped by a bloke in the showers.

It’s just not my idea of a holiday. All the blood sweat and tears…and for what?

So needless to say I declined Luciens offer. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t say no to a windfall of extra cash but at what price? Maybe if he’d offered me a million?
What would your price be?

Let me know…..It’ll get Lucien off my back. Lol

Another smuggling story to come soon…….

Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!

2008-07-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

Well well, It’s been a grand weekend to say the least. I got out of the pen on Thursday took it easy, visited the folks for a bit of ma’s home cooking and then Saturday I headed off with a car full of women ( none of em mine) to the Cornbury Music Festival. Caroline Parker aka Caro Sparks, Di and Kim were my roadtrip companions.

I use the term roadtrip because we actually played a motorway game using numberplates, once games come into play it’s a roadtrip in my book. It doesn’t sound that rock and roll but all of us must have been on summer heat cos every number plate seemed to spell out some filth or other.

We collected passes when we got there and headed to the camping area to pitch out tents. I’ve got this new gadgety pop up tent. It was a tent in 2 seconds. It didn’t even get to the second P in Pop! Then secure guy ropes with pegs. Time taken to put up my tent…..1 minute, time taken watching others put up their tents……25 mins

Priceless!

Walking around it had all the elements of the average festival, only with an obvious difference in class of punter. I’ve never seen so many festival goers walking around with and sitting down on their own collapsible chairs.

They had “Comfy Loo’s” that you could buy a weekend £12.00 pass to use, they had Dyson exhibiting his new instant hand dryer by promoting a handwashing area providing soaps and running hot water whilst obviously encouraging you to dry your hands using his fabulous new invention. I’m not impressed. I’ve seen towels that do the same thing.

The comedy tent was great. Compared to other festival gigs I’ve done it was a smaller marquee/tent but it was more of a room for comedy/gig than the others. There were tables and chairs out, good sound, lighting and a stage area. The shame was that it was a last minute decision to do comedy this year and so apart from the festival programme, our prescience was not well known. We were however full at by the end of each evening.

Both nights it went a bit nuts at the end. On Saturday night John Hegeley was the headline act. He was gigging in London so didn’t make it onto stage until 11.50pm.

We were told the tent had to be over by midnight. Now we were the only entertainment left on so the tent was heaving. The primates…sorry security guards came to us bang on 12 and said that we had to shut down. They said this inbetween grooming one and other and picking bugs out of each others coats.

We told them the score and just asked them to hold off to let him wrap it up. Anyway after fobbing them off a couple of times they just entered the tent and one did a knuckle dragging march onto the stage and just interrupted Johns set. It looked like it was gonna kick off but then I had to remember it’s the Cornbury music festival.

This is the festival Radio 4 listeners and radio 2 listeners hook up at to hear the likes of Crowded House, Paul Simon and 10CC. This is a festival with a Pimms Bus and a Champagne bar.
On Sunday night Adam Bloom was headlining and we made sure the night ran tihtly so Adam would get on at 11.15 and be done on the stoke of midnight.

Crowded house were over having well and truly taken the weather with them and the tent was packed. Adam was having an absolute corker of a gig when at 11.45 the hi visibility gibbons….sorry - security men appeared and walked straight on in the middle of his set without even asking us beforehand. I guess they thought they would launch a pre-emptive strike thus robbing us of the chance of going over midnight.

Still, Bloom being the consummate pro rolled with it and made it funny and I believe there may be a youtube clip coming soon in which case I will put a link to it on this blog.
A big thanks to all the other acts involved…you know who you were.

Today somebody died on the train tracks and so I missed my plane to Jersey. With no other flights today that meant I missed my gig and lost out on travel costs….If they had only decided to mull it over for another day or two I would have made that plane. Some people are so selfish!

So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?

2008-07-01T18:31:00.001-07:00

It’s 1.25 A.M, 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

OK not strictly true other than the 1.25a.m bit. I’m in hospital still although I’ve been getting out for gigs and stuff.

This afternoon, hopefully about 2pm, I will acquire a brand spanking new broviac/hickman line moved to now be in the right side of my chest. Ooh exciting hey.

I will be sedated to a degree but not out cold. They give you this drug called Medazalam and it’s a bit like a truth drug, like sodium pentathol or some such. Your awake for the experience, you talk codshit then at some point you realise your awake and you have no memory of what’s happened. Kinda like alien abduction except there are no aliens, spacecraft or abduction taking place, so kinda nothing like alien abduction after all. Now that, was a waste of 2 lines.

In the past on this drug I have told them all about JFK’s assassination and how there couldn’t have been a lone gunmen etc…So my plan is to take my mobile in with me on record if they let me. Can’t wait to hear what drivel I come out with this time.

I can’t wait to get outta here proper. If all goes well today then I could be out tomorrow. Gig Thursday night and then gig at Cornbury Music Festival at the weekend. Through a mate it ended up that I booked the comedy tent this year so I’ve made sure I’m in good company.

The shame was that there were only so many spots to fill and I couldn’t book everyone I would’ve liked. So if you’re an act and I didn’t book you, I’m sorry but if you remember to…ask me next year to get you in.

I escaped off the ward today and went into harrow minus my dripstand and bought my tent.
It’s fucking cool if I say so myself. Only 30 quid and you just pull it out of the bag and it flips out open made and ready. All you have to do is secure the guy ropes. It’s a pop up tent in a bag, the ultimate lazy campers friend. I wanted it in cow hide design cos I thought that would stand out and be easy to find but they had sold out (Argos) so I could only get camouflage design. So I have a great pop up tent that once I leave it…I may never find it again.

In order to check it was all in working order I opened it out in my hospital room today…big mistake….it only caught one or two of George’s wires (I share the room with George). I don’t think it killed him but he hasn’t talked for a while and is a similar colour to Papa Smurf at the mo but I’m sure he’s fine. If he has flatlined he’ll be OK. He’ll be having a trippy visual experience like Kevin 6 Degrees Bacon and Julia Roberts in Flatliners.

I’m really looking forward to the fest. It’s a fairly safe fest in terms of music…very middle classy, Crowded House, Katie Meluah, 10cc, Paul Simon and more but it should be a good crack. I hope to get hammered and enjoy the beautiful countryside in no particular order.

Last time I went camping plans went pearshaped and me and my ex ended up camped in her parents back garden. Funny as fuck when her old man bought us a cuppa out to the tent in the morning. It was a rude awakening.

Actually was great fun even though we were just in the back garden. Still I’m looking forward to a real proper full on camping experience….yeah right…with my pop up tent.

Went to Yo Sushi last night with a lovely lass who knows her comics and her films well. You know who you are….I love that place and with a 50% off voucher courtesy of yesterday’s Telegraph you can’t go wrong. We ate shitloads and drank cold Sake, never had it cold before but it was allright. I love the yo and I’m loving the sushi .

We had a good time and then headed to The Chandos pub near Charring Cross for about the most reasonably priced drinks in London. If you go to a Yo treat yourself to the Crab claws and Crispy Salmon Skin Handrolls. They fucking rock.

Well I may have bored you enough by now and should go. Cross your fingers for me this arvo but I’m sure will all be cool. I’m looking forward to gigging Thursday night as long as I ain’t to sore. I’ll be MC for a night called Vegas which is at the roundtable pub near leceister square. Me, Joe Wilkinson, Mary Bourke and Ali Cook doing his Edinburgh preview. So If you want to see a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat and be funny at the same time come down and say hello.

Right, I’m off to flirt with sexy nurses, hospital does have some perks!

Easy.
G ; )