The Smuggling Story:
I live in Holloway in North London, it’s certainly not a wealthy area of London but it makes up for that in a that the compensation, I would say, is that there is more of a sense of community.
I’ve lived in one wealthy area of London and no one knew anyone. Everyone kept themselves to themselves ensconced in there self made ivory towers. An Englishman’s home is his castle and all that.
Anyway, Holloway has a community rich in cultural diversity and ethnicity. Around my area there are also communities within the community with their own private drinking/coffee/gambling/meetings places like the Red Sea Club which closed down recently.
Nearby is a shop and internet café where the owner is from Somaliland, apparently a beautiful country. We get on well and when I get back late night from a gig I’ll pop in and say hi. They have a community room at the back of the shop where other Somali friends meet up, smoke, talk drink etc…The main thing they do though is Chew!
Chew, you read it right. They chew a plant called Khat which is legal in the UK but illegal in the USA and several parts of Europe.
WHAT IS KHAT?
Khat(pronounced "cot") is a natural stimulant from the Catha Edulis plant, found in the flowering evergreen tree or large shrub which grows in East Africa and Southern Arabia. It reaches heights from 10 feet to 20 feet and its scrawny leaves resemble withered basil.
Fresh Khat leaves are crimson-brown and glossy but become yellow- green and leathery as they age. They also emit a strong smell. The most favored part of the leaves are the young shoots near the top of the plant. However, leaves and stems at the middle and lower sections are also used.
Khat leaves contain psychoactive ingrediants known as cathinone, which is structurally and chemically similar to d-amphetamine, and cathine, a milder form of cathinone. Other names by which Khat is known include: Qat, Kat, Chat, Kus-es-Salahin, Mirra, Tohai, Tschat, Catha, Quat, Abyssinian Tea, African Tea, and African Salad.
EFFECTS OF KHAT AND MODE OF INGESTION
Fresh Khat leaves, which are typically chewed like tobacco, produce a mild cocaine- or amphetamine-like euphoria that is much less potent than either substance with no reports of a rush sensation or paranoia indicated.
By filling the mouth to capacity with fresh leaves the user then chews intermittenly to release the active components. Chewing Khat leaves produces a strong aroma and generates intense thirst. Casual users claim Khat lifts spirits, sharpens thinking, and, when its effects wear off, generates mild lapses of depression similar to those observed among cocaine users.
Since there appears to be an absence of physical tolerance, due in part to limitations in how much can be ingested by chewing, there are no reports of physical symptons accompanying withdrawal. Advocates of Khat use claim that it eases symptoms of diabetes, asthma, and stomach/intestinal tract disorders, Opponents claim that Khat damages health, suppresses appetite, and prevents sleep.
http://www.africa.upenn.edu/Hornet/qat.html
So it’s quite a funny atmosphere coming back late at night and these guys are outside chatting at a 100 miles an hour, smioking and chewing the khat and chewing the fat so to speak.
Anyway I was talking to Lucien, (Names have been changed, I don’t expect theres many Luciens in Somaliland which is where he is from) and we were talking about travelling we’d both done. He filled me in on Somaliland which is its own country separate to Somalia.
A couple of days later I’m having a chat to some locals and Lucien shouts over to me, “My friend….my friend who likes travel, you like travelling right?...Ever been to USA?”
Don’t ask me how I knew but I sniffed something was on the horizon straight away, he started to go into his preamble and I told him, “Lucien, mate….I know what your gonna ask…”
He started laughing…I knew he wanted me to smuggle Khat to the US. It’s illegal there and is considered a class 1 narcotic on a par with Heroin and Cocaine. The minimum you would get would be a 2000 doller fine but you would be lucky to get that. Jail time is 5 years to life.
“You have a 95 percent chance of being OK.” He said,
“Yeah , but I have a 5 percent chance of being locked up and made someones ‘bitch’.”
“If you go four times you will be a very rich man.”
“Hang on I haven’t said I was going once and now you’ve got me going four times, calm down fella.”
“It’s very easy…..”
“So why don’t you go, save yourself the money you wanted to pay me and buy yourself something nice.”
He laughed again and explained how he was likely to get stopped going through customs but how I was highly likely to make it through no problems being just a young looking (I liked that, a compliment – still he was trying to get me to smuggle drugs, I reckon that’s negated the compliment. Damn) white guy.
I should just point out that since Christmas 6 young looking, unemployed white guys have been caught so far trying to smuggle Khat into the USA. I’ve done my research.
"You will be there 3 days, you will be met, you give them khat, they give you your money, everybody happy."
He carried on trying to convince as I explained how I’m not good at breaking rocks, how chains don’t look good on me and how I really don’t plan on ever putting myself in a situation where I could be raped by a bloke in the showers.
It’s just not my idea of a holiday. All the blood sweat and tears…and for what?
So needless to say I declined Luciens offer. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t say no to a windfall of extra cash but at what price? Maybe if he’d offered me a million?
What would your price be?
Let me know…..It’ll get Lucien off my back. Lol
Another smuggling story to come soon…….
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!
Well well, It’s been a grand weekend to say the least. I got out of the pen on Thursday took it easy, visited the folks for a bit of ma’s home cooking and then Saturday I headed off with a car full of women ( none of em mine) to the Cornbury Music Festival. Caroline Parker aka Caro Sparks, Di and Kim were my roadtrip companions.
I use the term roadtrip because we actually played a motorway game using numberplates, once games come into play it’s a roadtrip in my book. It doesn’t sound that rock and roll but all of us must have been on summer heat cos every number plate seemed to spell out some filth or other.
We collected passes when we got there and headed to the camping area to pitch out tents. I’ve got this new gadgety pop up tent. It was a tent in 2 seconds. It didn’t even get to the second P in Pop! Then secure guy ropes with pegs. Time taken to put up my tent…..1 minute, time taken watching others put up their tents……25 mins
Priceless!
Walking around it had all the elements of the average festival, only with an obvious difference in class of punter. I’ve never seen so many festival goers walking around with and sitting down on their own collapsible chairs.
They had “Comfy Loo’s” that you could buy a weekend £12.00 pass to use, they had Dyson exhibiting his new instant hand dryer by promoting a handwashing area providing soaps and running hot water whilst obviously encouraging you to dry your hands using his fabulous new invention. I’m not impressed. I’ve seen towels that do the same thing.
The comedy tent was great. Compared to other festival gigs I’ve done it was a smaller marquee/tent but it was more of a room for comedy/gig than the others. There were tables and chairs out, good sound, lighting and a stage area. The shame was that it was a last minute decision to do comedy this year and so apart from the festival programme, our prescience was not well known. We were however full at by the end of each evening.
Both nights it went a bit nuts at the end. On Saturday night John Hegeley was the headline act. He was gigging in London so didn’t make it onto stage until 11.50pm.
We were told the tent had to be over by midnight. Now we were the only entertainment left on so the tent was heaving. The primates…sorry security guards came to us bang on 12 and said that we had to shut down. They said this inbetween grooming one and other and picking bugs out of each others coats.
We told them the score and just asked them to hold off to let him wrap it up. Anyway after fobbing them off a couple of times they just entered the tent and one did a knuckle dragging march onto the stage and just interrupted Johns set. It looked like it was gonna kick off but then I had to remember it’s the Cornbury music festival.
This is the festival Radio 4 listeners and radio 2 listeners hook up at to hear the likes of Crowded House, Paul Simon and 10CC. This is a festival with a Pimms Bus and a Champagne bar.
On Sunday night Adam Bloom was headlining and we made sure the night ran tihtly so Adam would get on at 11.15 and be done on the stoke of midnight.
I use the term roadtrip because we actually played a motorway game using numberplates, once games come into play it’s a roadtrip in my book. It doesn’t sound that rock and roll but all of us must have been on summer heat cos every number plate seemed to spell out some filth or other.
We collected passes when we got there and headed to the camping area to pitch out tents. I’ve got this new gadgety pop up tent. It was a tent in 2 seconds. It didn’t even get to the second P in Pop! Then secure guy ropes with pegs. Time taken to put up my tent…..1 minute, time taken watching others put up their tents……25 mins
Priceless!
Walking around it had all the elements of the average festival, only with an obvious difference in class of punter. I’ve never seen so many festival goers walking around with and sitting down on their own collapsible chairs.
They had “Comfy Loo’s” that you could buy a weekend £12.00 pass to use, they had Dyson exhibiting his new instant hand dryer by promoting a handwashing area providing soaps and running hot water whilst obviously encouraging you to dry your hands using his fabulous new invention. I’m not impressed. I’ve seen towels that do the same thing.
The comedy tent was great. Compared to other festival gigs I’ve done it was a smaller marquee/tent but it was more of a room for comedy/gig than the others. There were tables and chairs out, good sound, lighting and a stage area. The shame was that it was a last minute decision to do comedy this year and so apart from the festival programme, our prescience was not well known. We were however full at by the end of each evening.
Both nights it went a bit nuts at the end. On Saturday night John Hegeley was the headline act. He was gigging in London so didn’t make it onto stage until 11.50pm.
We were told the tent had to be over by midnight. Now we were the only entertainment left on so the tent was heaving. The primates…sorry security guards came to us bang on 12 and said that we had to shut down. They said this inbetween grooming one and other and picking bugs out of each others coats.
We told them the score and just asked them to hold off to let him wrap it up. Anyway after fobbing them off a couple of times they just entered the tent and one did a knuckle dragging march onto the stage and just interrupted Johns set. It looked like it was gonna kick off but then I had to remember it’s the Cornbury music festival.
This is the festival Radio 4 listeners and radio 2 listeners hook up at to hear the likes of Crowded House, Paul Simon and 10CC. This is a festival with a Pimms Bus and a Champagne bar.
On Sunday night Adam Bloom was headlining and we made sure the night ran tihtly so Adam would get on at 11.15 and be done on the stoke of midnight.
Crowded house were over having well and truly taken the weather with them and the tent was packed. Adam was having an absolute corker of a gig when at 11.45 the hi visibility gibbons….sorry - security men appeared and walked straight on in the middle of his set without even asking us beforehand. I guess they thought they would launch a pre-emptive strike thus robbing us of the chance of going over midnight.
Still, Bloom being the consummate pro rolled with it and made it funny and I believe there may be a youtube clip coming soon in which case I will put a link to it on this blog.
A big thanks to all the other acts involved…you know who you were.
Today somebody died on the train tracks and so I missed my plane to Jersey. With no other flights today that meant I missed my gig and lost out on travel costs….If they had only decided to mull it over for another day or two I would have made that plane. Some people are so selfish!
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
It’s 1.25 A.M, 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
OK not strictly true other than the 1.25a.m bit. I’m in hospital still although I’ve been getting out for gigs and stuff.
This afternoon, hopefully about 2pm, I will acquire a brand spanking new broviac/hickman line moved to now be in the right side of my chest. Ooh exciting hey.
I will be sedated to a degree but not out cold. They give you this drug called Medazalam and it’s a bit like a truth drug, like sodium pentathol or some such. Your awake for the experience, you talk codshit then at some point you realise your awake and you have no memory of what’s happened. Kinda like alien abduction except there are no aliens, spacecraft or abduction taking place, so kinda nothing like alien abduction after all. Now that, was a waste of 2 lines.
In the past on this drug I have told them all about JFK’s assassination and how there couldn’t have been a lone gunmen etc…So my plan is to take my mobile in with me on record if they let me. Can’t wait to hear what drivel I come out with this time.
I can’t wait to get outta here proper. If all goes well today then I could be out tomorrow. Gig Thursday night and then gig at Cornbury Music Festival at the weekend. Through a mate it ended up that I booked the comedy tent this year so I’ve made sure I’m in good company.
The shame was that there were only so many spots to fill and I couldn’t book everyone I would’ve liked. So if you’re an act and I didn’t book you, I’m sorry but if you remember to…ask me next year to get you in.
I escaped off the ward today and went into harrow minus my dripstand and bought my tent.
It’s fucking cool if I say so myself. Only 30 quid and you just pull it out of the bag and it flips out open made and ready. All you have to do is secure the guy ropes. It’s a pop up tent in a bag, the ultimate lazy campers friend. I wanted it in cow hide design cos I thought that would stand out and be easy to find but they had sold out (Argos) so I could only get camouflage design. So I have a great pop up tent that once I leave it…I may never find it again.
In order to check it was all in working order I opened it out in my hospital room today…big mistake….it only caught one or two of George’s wires (I share the room with George). I don’t think it killed him but he hasn’t talked for a while and is a similar colour to Papa Smurf at the mo but I’m sure he’s fine. If he has flatlined he’ll be OK. He’ll be having a trippy visual experience like Kevin 6 Degrees Bacon and Julia Roberts in Flatliners.
I’m really looking forward to the fest. It’s a fairly safe fest in terms of music…very middle classy, Crowded House, Katie Meluah, 10cc, Paul Simon and more but it should be a good crack. I hope to get hammered and enjoy the beautiful countryside in no particular order.
Last time I went camping plans went pearshaped and me and my ex ended up camped in her parents back garden. Funny as fuck when her old man bought us a cuppa out to the tent in the morning. It was a rude awakening.
Actually was great fun even though we were just in the back garden. Still I’m looking forward to a real proper full on camping experience….yeah right…with my pop up tent.
Went to Yo Sushi last night with a lovely lass who knows her comics and her films well. You know who you are….I love that place and with a 50% off voucher courtesy of yesterday’s Telegraph you can’t go wrong. We ate shitloads and drank cold Sake, never had it cold before but it was allright. I love the yo and I’m loving the sushi .
We had a good time and then headed to The Chandos pub near Charring Cross for about the most reasonably priced drinks in London. If you go to a Yo treat yourself to the Crab claws and Crispy Salmon Skin Handrolls. They fucking rock.
Well I may have bored you enough by now and should go. Cross your fingers for me this arvo but I’m sure will all be cool. I’m looking forward to gigging Thursday night as long as I ain’t to sore. I’ll be MC for a night called Vegas which is at the roundtable pub near leceister square. Me, Joe Wilkinson, Mary Bourke and Ali Cook doing his Edinburgh preview. So If you want to see a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat and be funny at the same time come down and say hello.
Right, I’m off to flirt with sexy nurses, hospital does have some perks!
Easy.
G ; )
OK not strictly true other than the 1.25a.m bit. I’m in hospital still although I’ve been getting out for gigs and stuff.
This afternoon, hopefully about 2pm, I will acquire a brand spanking new broviac/hickman line moved to now be in the right side of my chest. Ooh exciting hey.
I will be sedated to a degree but not out cold. They give you this drug called Medazalam and it’s a bit like a truth drug, like sodium pentathol or some such. Your awake for the experience, you talk codshit then at some point you realise your awake and you have no memory of what’s happened. Kinda like alien abduction except there are no aliens, spacecraft or abduction taking place, so kinda nothing like alien abduction after all. Now that, was a waste of 2 lines.
In the past on this drug I have told them all about JFK’s assassination and how there couldn’t have been a lone gunmen etc…So my plan is to take my mobile in with me on record if they let me. Can’t wait to hear what drivel I come out with this time.
I can’t wait to get outta here proper. If all goes well today then I could be out tomorrow. Gig Thursday night and then gig at Cornbury Music Festival at the weekend. Through a mate it ended up that I booked the comedy tent this year so I’ve made sure I’m in good company.
The shame was that there were only so many spots to fill and I couldn’t book everyone I would’ve liked. So if you’re an act and I didn’t book you, I’m sorry but if you remember to…ask me next year to get you in.
I escaped off the ward today and went into harrow minus my dripstand and bought my tent.
It’s fucking cool if I say so myself. Only 30 quid and you just pull it out of the bag and it flips out open made and ready. All you have to do is secure the guy ropes. It’s a pop up tent in a bag, the ultimate lazy campers friend. I wanted it in cow hide design cos I thought that would stand out and be easy to find but they had sold out (Argos) so I could only get camouflage design. So I have a great pop up tent that once I leave it…I may never find it again.
In order to check it was all in working order I opened it out in my hospital room today…big mistake….it only caught one or two of George’s wires (I share the room with George). I don’t think it killed him but he hasn’t talked for a while and is a similar colour to Papa Smurf at the mo but I’m sure he’s fine. If he has flatlined he’ll be OK. He’ll be having a trippy visual experience like Kevin 6 Degrees Bacon and Julia Roberts in Flatliners.
I’m really looking forward to the fest. It’s a fairly safe fest in terms of music…very middle classy, Crowded House, Katie Meluah, 10cc, Paul Simon and more but it should be a good crack. I hope to get hammered and enjoy the beautiful countryside in no particular order.
Last time I went camping plans went pearshaped and me and my ex ended up camped in her parents back garden. Funny as fuck when her old man bought us a cuppa out to the tent in the morning. It was a rude awakening.
Actually was great fun even though we were just in the back garden. Still I’m looking forward to a real proper full on camping experience….yeah right…with my pop up tent.
Went to Yo Sushi last night with a lovely lass who knows her comics and her films well. You know who you are….I love that place and with a 50% off voucher courtesy of yesterday’s Telegraph you can’t go wrong. We ate shitloads and drank cold Sake, never had it cold before but it was allright. I love the yo and I’m loving the sushi .
We had a good time and then headed to The Chandos pub near Charring Cross for about the most reasonably priced drinks in London. If you go to a Yo treat yourself to the Crab claws and Crispy Salmon Skin Handrolls. They fucking rock.
Well I may have bored you enough by now and should go. Cross your fingers for me this arvo but I’m sure will all be cool. I’m looking forward to gigging Thursday night as long as I ain’t to sore. I’ll be MC for a night called Vegas which is at the roundtable pub near leceister square. Me, Joe Wilkinson, Mary Bourke and Ali Cook doing his Edinburgh preview. So If you want to see a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat and be funny at the same time come down and say hello.
Right, I’m off to flirt with sexy nurses, hospital does have some perks!
Easy.
G ; )
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